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03 January 2010 @ 08:43 am
I am here writing this entry because I have just come to realize that writing out my emotions actually make me feel better.

I actually wasn't feeling very well yesterday, or even right now, it's fucking 8:30 am and I still have yet to have a decent wink of sleep, because I had found out something very earth-shattering and tremendously painful. It was like opening an old scar, something I knew had always been there but I have always been trying to avoid, like the plague. I'm actually not sure to make of it, whether I should be mad at the person who wrote it or just let it go and forgive, as I have tried to make myself do. I kept telling myself that my revenge to that person (who is someone very dear to me, as a matter of fact) is to keep on fighting and prove to them that I am not the kind of person they described me as, but it's really getting hard. Last night I kept on praying for Yunho to give me some of his kindness, some of his forgiving nature, because it just seem like I just can't be that way. But I have decided to not bring it up, so as not to place that person in an awkward position, and plus, I don't think I was supposed to find out anyways. I will continue going on with my life as if nothing has happened, but that doesn't mean that I will ever forget it. I may forgive them, because I really just can't stop myself from doing so, but I will not forget it.

As for my emotions right now...I am quite tired, and rather depressed as well. The DBSK lawsuit does not looking like it's going well, and really, they are the only people who will be able to save me from falling into depression as I have almost fallen prey to so many times before, so it is really taxing to me. I can't stop worrying about them, I check on them five, six times a day, or more, and I can't seem to stop the bad feeling I have about it. I worry for them, the emotional pain it will cause them all, and everything they will have to go through when something terrible does come out of this lawsuit, and...I can't stop feeling sad at what they have to go through to get their freedom.

Yoochun's note on his cyworld is not brightening my mood either. He wrote two simple words: "byebye", in black lettering with the photo taken in black and white, and that is scaring me. I...wonder what's wrong? People on soompi keep on saying that he is just saying goodbye to 2009 and greeting 2010, but why do I have a hard time believing that? I'm sorry for sounding like a pessisimist right now, but I really can't get the feeling that he is hinting at something else altogether...like maybe...their relationship. This is making me scared, and now I really don't think I will be able to sleep today, just like the other days. Yoochun is scaring me, and I don't know what to make of him any more. All this pain...sometimes I wonder if they do regret it.

From the looks of it, I feel like Jaejoong really regret doing this whole lawsuit in the first place, since he seem to be the one having the hardest time with this whole fiasco. The others, they are a bit stronger, though Yoochun not by much, so they are able to handle it, and they have one another, Yoochunn having Junsu and Yunho having Changmin, but Jaejoong...who is there for him? He must be so tired, so pained, so sad right now...I am really feeling worried for him. It's not helping that it seems that his health is slowly deteriorating either. To me, it seems like Jaejoong is the one that is going to break right now, he doesn't have anyone. I...am genuinely concerned for him. Hell, he's not even my favorite, and I can still sense the pain in himm and feel the emotional stress he must be going through right now...I wonder how he is doing right now.

And then with the news that Changmin's health is deteriorating too...him being too skinny, practically to the point of underweight, is not doing the situation any better. They are being put through such emotional and physical stress...why is fate so cruel to the both of them? They are the ones who make me believe in forever, and now...everything seems to be falling apart. Sometimes, it feels to me as if they have such a strong bond that even the heavens and the gods are jealous of, and that's why they're throwing in all these complications in order to make it harder for them to be together. I just hope that they will be able to fight through this battle, maybe one of the toughest battles they will ever be faced with. I just want them all to be happy, to be able to chase their dreams, together, as five, was that too much to ask? Am I being selfish if I say that I truly want them to be happy, as five?
Current Location: Here and not there.
breathe_ai: obreathe_ai on January 3rd, 2010 05:12 pm (UTC)
get some sleep bb things will be just a little better after that.

I don't think it's selfish to wish for them to stick together as five, especially since I feel that's what they want more than anything. idk, the only thing I can feel about JaeChunSu right now, along with Hankyung is pride. I'm proud of them for taking a stand even though it maybe difficult. Jaejoong and Yoochun both have said that Junsu's been taking it the hardest and looking at Junsu's New Years tohomobiles, I have to admire Su for his candidness, it's nice because it gives us an idea and hope, since he's still hopeful. Don't worry too much about it, we trust these boys so we must trust them now. SM may be able to break them up (I pray they don't but if they do) but they can always get back together ^^
Hangxiahness on January 4th, 2010 01:54 am (UTC)
thank you for your kind words(:

and about the lawsuit...i do believe that it might just be a little bit harder for them to stay together as five. but just because things are hard, it definitely does not mean it is impossible. i am definitely proud of jaechunsu and hankyung right now, more than anything, and i'm also proud of homin too, for deciding to stick to their own opinions even if it might be in the minority.

junsu has definitely been working hard for this whole lawsuit, and i feel that he is the one who began it all. not to say that i blame him, because i admire him for his brave actions, but i just feel that it is in his nature to snap, and it really seems like yoochun and jaejoong look up to him as their leader in this lawsuit. jaejoong have even mentioned so in the christmas party. but sometimes i fear that he might take it a tad too far, and end up hurting them all in the end. i'm not saying it will happen, but i am really just bracing myself for the worst right now.

although, i also admire junsu for his straightforwardness in the tohomobile questions for the new year too, not to mention his truthful way of putting everything. and that's what i love about this man, he's not afraid to speak his mind. because of him, i can see the small streak of light in the lawsuit's direction. i definitely trust them<3 always keep the faith<3 and i also believe that no one can break someone up unless they allow them too<3

thank you for your reassuring words bb!<3 they really made me feel better. :]